


Illustrious

by AstralLix (SincerelySKZFan)



Series: One More Light [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst because I can’t write fluff for my life, Anxiety, Depression, Feelings Realization, Felix leaves and comes back, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-07-13 21:26:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16026287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SincerelySKZFan/pseuds/AstralLix
Summary: Changbin is heartbroken.It isn't because they broke up per se because he and Felix weren't together in the first place, but...well, it's complicated.—In which Felix reappears in Changbin's life just as elusively as he left it.





	1. Dejavu

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a sequel to my previous work "One More Light", and although it can also be read as a stand-alone story, you wouldn't fully understand the connection that Changbin and Felix share without reading the first story—but of course, it's totally up to you whether or not you want to read it ^^

The first time they crossed paths, Changbin didn't get a chance to see the other's face. A mop of orange hair entered his peripheral vision and left just as quickly as it came as the owner of the eye-catching hair color walked briskly in order to make his escape. They passed each other without interacting and yet, something compelled Changbin to turn around; it was as if his subconscious had detected his presence before he was even physically aware of it. The other had definitely changed appearance-wise within the past few months and to his relief, the raven-haired boy didn't seem to recognize him, or so he thought. As Changbin watched the boy's steadily retreating figure fade into obscurity, he figured he must've been imagining things. It wasn't the first time that he had mistaken someone else for a certain brunette.  _How foolish of me_ , the raven-haired boy thought to himself,  _of course that wasn't him_.

—

On this particular day, Changbin was working an evening shift on a weeknight, something that he usually never did because of school. The owner was understanding about his situation with school which was why he rarely ever asked him to work on weeknights, but tonight was an exception. The person who was supposed to work called in sick and when the owner called him to ask if he could possibly work, Changbin couldn't find the heart to refuse, so there he was, scanning items and greeting customers instead of being cooped up in his room to do homework and study.

At the convenience store he worked at, Wednesday nights were either really busy or almost completely deserted, and tonight it happened to be the latter. Changbin was doing some reading for his literature class at the counter when the bell rang to signal the entrance of a customer, which caused him to straighten up almost reflexively. He was about to greet the customer when  _his_ face came into view and the words instantly died in Changbin's throat. His hair—that was the first thing he had noticed—it was a muted orange instead of the warm, dark brown color that he had grown accustomed to seeing, and his illustrious freckles were nowhere in sight. Was he covering his freckles with makeup? Or perhaps he was mistaken, maybe this wasn't his Lix after all. The boy had wandered into the frozen section in the back without sparing a look at Changbin and the raven-haired boy felt a sense of dejavu wash over him; he was suddenly reminded of their first meeting at this very store and it was what, almost two years ago? His suspicions of the boy's identity, however, were soon confirmed when said boy emerged from one of the back aisles.

—

Felix stilled completely when he locked eyes with the last person he had expected to see.  _Fuck, fuck, fuck,_ Felix thought inwardly as he breached the threshold of yet another mini panic attack. He knew Changbin's work schedule like the back of his hand and he knew,  _knew_  for a fact that the elder never worked on weeknights because of school, so what was hedoing  _here_? Had he fucked up the days? It hadn't been long since he landed but he had made sure to double check the time and everything before coming to the store. He cursed his jet-lagged brain for not considering the possibility of the elder's work schedule changing, but remained rooted in place nonetheless because he couldn't even fathom speaking to him, not this soon and definitely not in his current state. He wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to hear the elder's hatred-filled words just yet—he just couldn't.

Felix was forced to breathe once again when his diaphragm contracted by itself in order to take in some much-needed air; the freckled boy didn't think to breathe because he was **right there**. Changbin hyung was right there several feet away from him and he felt as though the elder was burning holes through his skull with his piercing stare. He refused to walk up to the counter—there was no way he was going to do it—so he slowly backed away, dropped everything onto the nearest shelf and ran through the back to get to the door.

"Hey, wait!" Felix heard Changbin exclaim, but he couldn't wait; he'd rather be caught dead than to face his former best friend at this point.

Changbin rushed to catch up to the fleeing boy, but by the time he jumped over the counter, the orange-haired boy was long gone.

When he made eye contact with the other's all-too-familiar doe-like eyes, Changbin instantly recognized Felix and he froze momentarily to make sense of the situation. Since when did he get back? Why had he not contacted any of them? Question upon question bombarded him and by the time he came to his senses, Felix was already bolting out the door. Changbin tried to stop him but to no avail; he had missed the younger dearly and waited for him to return despite being heartbroken over the fact that the younger had left without saying a word. Given that he had returned, why was Felix running away from him yet again? It was all so confusing and nobody had any answers for him except for the boy who keeps running away.

Right now, Felix was the sole thing that he wanted to hold onto, but every time he even came close to having him in his grasp, the Australian always seemed to slip right through his fingers. 

 


	2. You Said You'd Stay

When Changbin made it home that night, he pondered over whether or not to share the news of the incident with the rest of the boys. He had a hunch that Jisung must've known something about his best friend's situation since he had always been surprisingly mum whenever the group talked about Felix, and with the freckled boy's sudden reappearance, Changbin decided to test out that theory.

"I saw Felix today," Changbin announced out of the blue as if it was the most casual thing to say, all while eyeing one specific person in their friend group.

True to his nickname, Jisung flinched as a startled squirrel would, and when Jisung locked eyes with his hyung, the younger gulped in nervousness as the elder's eyes perfectly conveyed his sentiments. He knew. If he didn't know before, he certainly knew now.

All conversation ceased until a chorus of gasps and shocked  _what_ 's resounded through the room, with Jeongin's screech being by far the loudest.

"What?! Lix hyung's back? Where is he!?" the youngest demanded as he jumped up from his seat.

"I don't know, Innie. He ran off before I could talk to him," Changbin answered apologetically.

Changbin's heart hurt for Jeongin as he watched his dongsaeng physically deflate, face solemn as the younger collapsed onto the sofa once more. He muttered something begrudgingly under his breath, but it was said so quietly that Changbin couldn't decipher a thing he was saying.

"Where'd you see him, Bin?" Woojin asked.

"He came into my workplace earlier. I thought I had the wrong person because he walked towards the back without looking in my direction and his hair was different—"

"Different how?" Seungmin interrupted.

"He dyed it orange, like more of a brassy orange than bright orange I think. But anyway, when he walked towards the counter he looked...he was surprised to see me there I guess, and next thing I know he's running out the door."

"I mean, you usually don't work on weeknights, hyung," Hyunjin pointed out, "maybe he wasn't counting on you working."

Changbin hummed in response. He hadn't really thought of that, but if that was truly the case, that must mean that their sunshine was still trying to avoid them. This realization further soured his mood and Changbin couldn't help but wonder, what the hell was going on with Felix for him to act like this? Changbin was sure that this was not out of the younger's own free will for Felix would never intentionally hurt anybody, let alone his eight closest friends. Even though he was supposed to feel reassured by this thought, Changbin couldn't help but pay heed to a teensy, tiny voice in his head that was trying to convince him otherwise...but he banished the thought away almost instantaneously and instead redirected his attention to Jisung, who had remained silent since Changbin's sudden announcement. 

"Sung-ah...tell us the truth. You know something about Felix, don't you?" 

"I-we talk once in a while, yeah," Jisung revealed nervously after a moment of hesitation, "he just landed yesterday afternoon actually."

"Hyung, I can't believe you! You knew about Lix hyung this whole time and you didn't say anything to me about it?!" Jeongin seethed. 

Everyone was surprised at the youngest's sudden outburst and when Jisung failed to respond due to a mixture of shock and uncertainty, Jeongin got up and stormed into his room without another word.

Jeongin couldn't help but feel betrayed by Jisung when he found out that he had been communicating with Felix all this time. Although Felix was his hyung, the elder was somehow more innocent than himself and just so  _nice_  that Jeongin couldn't bring himself to hate him despite the disappearing act that the elder had pulled. To say that Jeongin had missed his Lix hyung would be a huge understatement; he missed the way the elder would wrap his arms around his shoulders while calling him "our Innie" in a sing-songy voice. He missed being in his hyung's tight embrace and the feeling of letting his entire body go slack because he knew the other would never let him crumble onto the ground because he's just, well, Felix. With his Lix hyung gone, who was going to catch him to make sure that he doesn’t fall? A tear escaped the young boy's tightly shut eyes and several other droplets followed suit. 

Minutes later, the door cracked open and even though he heard someone come in, Jeongin didn’t even try to mask his sniffles. He felt a dip in the mattress and a hand comfortingly stroked his hair, causing him to burrow his face further into the pillow. 

"Innie, don't cry. I'm sure Felix will be back soon. He's back in Korea isn't he?" Hyunjin said softly upon sitting next to him. 

"Mm."

After a moment of silence, Hyunjin whispered for the younger to move over and he laid down next to the boy with tear-stained cheeks. The dancer wrapped an arm around the younger's waist and continued to whisper comforting words to his dongsaeng and after a while, the two laid there side-by-side, enveloped in a comfortable silence until their quiet snores filled the room. 

When Seungmin entered the room half an hour later, he smiled at the heart-warming sight in front of him. The redhead made his way over to his sleeping friends and stopped to peer over at Jeongin. After brushing a few strands of hair aside from Jeongin's forehead, Seungmin draped a blanket over his two favorite people before bidding them a soft "goodnight" and heading to bed. 

* * *

_11:37 PM_

**Changbin:** Lee Felix, where are you?

Why'd you run away earlier? Are you back in Korea for good? 

I really hope so. 

We missed you so much. 

Give us a call when you're ready, yeah?

_1:49 AM_

**Changbin:** Lix, I know you're reading these. It says you read it. 

You know you can tell me what's wrong, right? Just like old times. 

_2:01 AM_

**Changbin:** You said you'd stay. 

I miss you. 

* * *

That night, a certain notification that popped up on Felix's lock screen almost made him drop his phone on his face. It was a new message from Changbin, a sight that became a rarity roughly a month prior when the elder realized that Felix was never going to reply despite his constant effort to communicate with the younger. 

Felix, being the stubborn person that he was, decided against clicking on the notification despite the gnawing need to read the messages that other had sent. He was too much of a coward to face the elder after the incident that occurred hours ago, but with each passing second, the Australian continued to come closer and closer to caving in. Every time his phone lit up, it was as if the cursed device was taunting him, and after an excruciating fifteen minutes of constantly glancing at his phone, Felix could resist the temptation no longer and unlocked his phone with shaky hands. It would do no harm to Changbin hyung if he just read them, he conferred. It wasn't as if he was actually replying to him. 

He regretted his decision almost immediately. 

The first set of messages made his heart ache. 

_I'm here, hyung. I'm just scared to face you after running away for so long. I shouldn't have come back, but my heart belongs here. I missed you guys too. I'm sorry I let you down._

Felix read and reread the five lines that the elder had sent him until a small green circle appeared next to the elder's name, which caused Felix turned off his phone almost immediately. Adrenaline now coursed through his veins despite the late hour; it was already approaching 2 AM and Felix couldn't help but wonder what the hell his hyung was doing at this time of night and why was he messaging  _him_  of all people. He was the last person to deserve his time and attention. 

_Changbin is typing..._

Felix's heart was pounding out of his chest and he sat up in his bed, hands clutching onto his phone for dear life. He wanted to scream but no sound came out, and his heart leaped when he saw that Changbin had sent him another message. He didn't even wait before checking this time.

_Of course you'd still say that after all I've done. It's you, after all._

The last two messages that the elder sent at around 2 AM did it for him; Felix erupted into tears upon reading those two sentences. It felt as though a knife was plunged straight through his heart and the words illuminating the screen soon became blurry as tears clouded his vision. 'You said you'd stay' echoed in his mind, causing Felix to glance down at his tattoo. The memory of the two of them walking out of the parlor hand-in-hand with matching 'Stay' tattoos on their wrists was still freshly ingrained in his mind. The memory was so vivid; his emotions ran rampant on that day and he could never forget the euphoria that seemed to spread through his entire body. His hyung just made him so _happy_. He was then brought back to the soft whispers of now-broken promises and the subsequent feeling of gut-wrenching guilt all but crippled him.  

_I'm sorry, I'm so sorry._

_I miss you too. Much more than you'll ever know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we finally have the chapter that's long overdue ^^; Alongside Changlix, I had to add a little bit of Jeonglix and HyunInMin this time~


	3. Lix Hyung's Back!

"I'm sorry. It's just, I already felt bad for lying for so long you know?" Jisung apologized in a hushed tone through the phone.

It was early Wednesday morning and Jisung decided to give Felix a quick call before heading off to school. He was attempting to make some milk tea, but between stabilizing his phone which was wedged between his shoulder and ear and trying to speak quietly, it was harder than it should've been. With all these thoughts occupying his brain, his hyung's entrance into the kitchen went unnoticed by the distracted boy.

"Hey, hey, hey," Jisung quickly spoke into the phone, "there's no need to leave. Why don't you just tell them?"

Changbin stopped abruptly in his tracks, interest piqued by the younger's words. _Who's them?_ _And tell them what?_

"What am I going to do without my best friend?!"

He watched Jisung shout those last words in exasperation, drink forgotten as he grabbed the phone clamped between his chin and shoulder.  _Best friend? Leaving?_

It suddenly occurred to him that the person that Jisung was on the phone with might very well be Felix and another thought struck him like a flash of lightning. _H_ _e wasn't trying to leave again, was he?_

"No!" he exclaimed, "No, wait—Sung-ah, who are you talking to?"

Changbin's frantic interruption had Jisung jumping in surprise, the latter letting out a small yelp since Changbin's voice seemed to just have materialized out of thin air. Jisung quickly turned around and his eyes widened when he came face-to-face with the last person that he wanted to see.

"Uh, Minho hyung," Jisung blurted out without thinking. 

"He's sleeping right now so try again. Best friend, you said? That's Felix isn't it?"

Jisung nodded reluctantly and he had no choice but to hand his phone over to Changbin when the older boy held out his hand expectantly. Felix was going to kill him for sure, Jisung thought to himself, gulping in fear of the wrath of his two of his closest friends.

"Lee Felix, you better not hang up the phone," the elder rasped.

He was met with silence but the boy on the other end of the line had yet to hang up the phone, which encouraged Changbin to speak once more.

"You there?" Changbin asked.

"Yeah."

"Good," he huffed.

"Now," Changbin continued, "where have you been—you know what, scratch that, tell me you weren't actually thinking of leaving again?"

"Um, I guess—I just—yeah?" Felix replied softly as if he was scared to be heard; Changbin had to strain his ears to even hear him.

"Do you have to leave?"

"Um..."

The line went silent once more.

"You know what, Lix? Just meet up with us at least once before you leave okay? Jeongin misses you a lot,"  _I missed you too_ he almost added, "and he would be devastated if he knew that you left without saying goodbye again. The rest of the boys want to see you as well, so just try to do that if you can, yeah?"

"Okay."

"Great. Can you come over tonight? Wait, maybe that's too sudden. How about tomorrow? Or if you have something to do we can even wait until this weekend?"

"This weekend, please," Felix replied quickly, "Uh, I have a few things to do, yeah."

"Okay," Changbin replied, "Just stop by the house when you're free, alright?"

"Okay," the younger parroted.

"Well then...just text me or give me a call if your schedule frees up or if you need anything, alright? Don't be a stranger."

"I'm going to hand the phone back to Jisung now," Changbin added as an afterthought when Felix didn't answer.

The elder did as promised and Jisung wordlessly reclaimed his phone. Changbin left the two alone (well, it was really just Jisung and his phone) to let them finish up their conversation.

 _And now, we wait_ , Changbin thought to himself.

—

When Changbin sat all his friends down to tell them about Felix stopping by, Jeongin screamed in pure elation and tackled Changbin before pulling him a bone-crushing hug. 

"Lix hyung's back! Lix hyung's back! Lix hyung's back!" the youngest chanted before breaking into a fit of giggles.

"Cute," Hyunjin commented while pinching Jeongin's cheek, the latter remained unfazed as a bright smile adorned his face upon receiving the good news.

"How'd you convince him to do that?" Chan questioned amidst the celebrations, "he hasn't even answered any of my text messages".

"Sungie was talking to him on the phone and I just happened to walk into the kitchen at the right time—" Changbin explained before being interrupted by Jisung. 

"I will not be disrespected like this you stupid hyung—hey! Sorry! No need to get violent, gosh," Jisung exclaimed while dodging the elder's swatting hand, "He didn't walk in. More like he ninja-ed his way into the room and scared me half to death when he started yelling out of nowhere," Jisung explained. 

"Whatever," the elder dismissed half-heartedly, "Basically, I asked for the phone, told him not to hang up and then convinced him to come here."

"Yeah, right," Jisung snorted, "he threatened the poor boy and was all like 'Lee Felix, you better not hang up the damn phone', AND DON'T EVEN TRY TO HIT ME AGAIN BINNIE HYUNG, YOU KNOW I'M TELLING THE TRUTH!". 

"Telling the truth? Are you sure about that, Jisung hyung?" Jeongin suddenly retorted and the room went quiet. Talk about Awkward Silence.  

 "Innie...are you still mad at me?" Jisung asked hesitantly. 

"Not really, hyung," he shrugged, "I'm just messing with you."

"Oh, okay, thank goodness."

Although Jisung automatically reverted to his light-hearted nature by dramatically bringing a hand to his chest, the relief on his face was clear as day. Jeongin had obviously given him a fright. 

"I'd have appreciated if you hadn't kept it a secret from us, but I'm sure Lix hyung asked you to stay quiet about it, so I can't  _really_  stay mad at you. I just wish he'd told us about what happened in the first place..." 

"Dang, he's good," Chan whispered to Woojin, who nodded in agreement. The two were completely engrossed in the scene that was playing out in front of them as all the others were. This was as close to fighting as they'd ever gotten and it was obvious that Jeongin was trying to guilt trip Jisung in order to try and pry some information out of him. They had to admit, Jeongin was doing a hella good job of it. 

"Uh..." Jisung stuttered, "sorry Innie, that's not something that I can tell you."

"Dang it!" Jeongin muttered under his breath. Just when he thought that he was getting somewhere. Oh well, at least he'll get to see Felix soon enough. 

"Nice try, kiddo," Woojin remarked while ruffling the youngest's hair, earning him a toothy grin from the younger.

—

"Oh, Lix texted me," Jisung announced upon checking his phone, "he's outside apparently."

This had Jeongin clambering up from his seat. He yelled "I got it!" and raced to the door to greet the boy standing on the other side of it. 

"Try not to bombard him all at once," Chan remarked quietly to the rest of them as Jeongin's screeches floated down the hall. Changbin nodded in agreement and there was a mutual understanding between the seven of them. They were to make sure that Felix would feel as welcome and relaxed as possible, and they most definitely did not want him feeling overwhelmed nor uncomfortable in any way.    

"Hyung! How have you been?" Changbin heard Jeongin ask from a distance. A low voice reverberated through the halls and Changbin waited expectantly for the owner of the sonorous voice to appear in front of his eyes. He had been waiting for this moment for so long, and finally,  _finally_ , the boy he had been missing for months walked into the room.  

As Felix stood stiffly at the doorway, Changbin just couldn't help but stare at him. He just looked so  _different_. The obvious difference was, of course, his newly-dyed orange hair, but then Changbin also noticed a few piercings that weren't there a few months prior. There was an additional piercing next to his original one on his left ear, and was that a helix piercing? The cross earring that Changbin had never seen Felix take off was replaced by a more intricate one; the dangly earring was more ornateand had a small cross embellishment on it. A silver ear cuff completed the trio of piercings, decorating the younger's left ear beautifully. Felix had always been a fan of accessories and even though his choice of jewelry would look too excessive on other people, Felix somehow managed to pull it off elegantly. 

His face also looked a lot slimmer, Changbin suddenly realized, and his jawline more prominent. Had he lost weight? Changbin lost his train of thought when he felt someone nudge his side and that 'someone' happened to be none other than Minho. 

"Stop staring," Minho chastised as he forced a smile, "you're going to intimidate him."

"Didn't mean to," Changbin replied quietly. It was just so hard not to stare. Felix had been gone for too long. 

Jeongin grabbed Felix's hand and sat him down on the couch next to him. Chan made small talk with Felix with Jeongin practically glued to his side and everyone just kind of joined into the conversation at one point or another. Eventually, Jisung brought out a board game to play and Felix insisted that he wanted to watch everyone play rather than join in, so everyone else paired off. Changbin's partner happened to be Jeongin and he pretty much just gave the younger free reign and let him do whatever he pleased. That way, he could observe Felix for a little longer. 

As he discreetly peered at the aforementioned boy, Changbin couldn't help but wonder how someone that he knew so well would feel so unfamiliar after just a few months apart. They had made eye contact a few times that evening but the closest they came to interacting was a mere nod of acknowledgment from the younger when Felix first met his eyes. Felix just seemed to be watching everyone with nervous eyes; sometimes he would smile fondly at something that one of them was doing and then he would just silently observe everyone again. It wasn't as though he was quiet either—he talked plenty since everyone was conversing with him, but there was just something off about him that Changbin couldn't quite put his finger on.  

"Hey Felix," Changbin called out halfway through the game, "want to hear some new songs that we've been working on?" ( **A/N**  to those who haven't read One More Light: Chan, Changbin, and Jisung like to create music as a side hobby)

"Yeah, sure," Felix replied.

When Changbin stood up, Felix followed suit and the two of them went into his room. 

"Our room turned into a little recording studio while you were gone," Changbin commented as he turned on all the equipment. 

"Nice."

A comfortable silence fell upon the two boys and Changbin put on 'Even A Shadow Needs Light to Exist' (OT9 version), which was their newest track.

"Everyone joined in on this one if you couldn't tell. We just thought that it'd be nice for everyone to write their own parts and for all of us to sing and rap together you know? Since Seungmin and Woojin hyung already sing so well, we figured why the heck not, and now that you're here, you might as well join in as well. What do you say?"

"Sure, I guess," Felix said while shrugging indifferently. 

"Here, I know exactly which part you should take. Let me play it for you."

Changbin played his second part for Felix and told him that he could just rewrite it. 

"You wanna know something, hyung?" Felix said after Changbin showed him what would become his portion of the song, "I actually started doing some songwriting since I had some time back home so I'm just going to give it a go right now."

"Really? That's great!" Changbin responded enthusiastically, glad that the younger had agreed to it. 

Felix pulled out his phone to start typing and within half an hour, he announced that he was done. 

* * *

**I wake up, my happy dreams fade away**

**I can't breathe, my head is spinning**

**I keep doing this, replay**

**I can't feel it over time**

**In my head, colorless voices**

**Stepping in my mind, hopeless choices**

**I know I can't succeed if I feed like this,**

**Leave like this,**

**Scarred and feared pain like this, yeah**

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Felix finally reunited with the crew but there are still many questions to be answered. Why did Felix leave in the first place? Do the lyrics hold any meaning? Will Felix decide to leave once more? Guess you'll have to wait to find out~


	4. Love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who are unfamiliar with this series' format, italicized dialogue means that it's in English.

Chan's eyes widened upon reading Felix's lyrics, a million thoughts flashing through his mind as the younger's words drew an unmistakable red flag. Changbin had asked Chan to direct the recording for Felix's part since Felix had of course written most of his verse in English.

" _Lix...you wrote this_?" Chan questioned the younger in their native tongue.

" _Yeah. Why? Is it bad_?"

" _Quite the opposite actually. It's fantastic, but..._ "

" _But what_?"

Chan set the sheet of paper aside and looked Felix square in the eye.

" _Lix_ ," Chan said as he drew in a daunting breath, " _Just—are you okay? Seriously? I'm just worried about you—_ "

" _I'm fine_ ," Felix asserted. His response was firm and when Chan tried to continue, the ginger shut him down once more in a similar fashion.

" _I know the lyrics are depressing but that's only because I was thinking about last winter while I was writing it. Innie's verse just got me thinking again and as you know, words are more meaningful when it's driven by a strong feeling, so I kind of just went for it._ "

" _Okay, sorry for assuming then. I was just worried._ "

"I know, hyung, but you don't need to worry about me," Felix responded, reverting back to Korean as he deemed the conversation done and over with. He shot a reassuring smile at the elder and gave him a side hug to express his thanks.

"Alright, alright. I'll drop it for now, but you still have a lot of explaining to do, my Lixie."

"That explanation can hold off until I get this recording done. Surely you're not going to keep this amazing track from being completed, are you?"

" _You little bugger._ "

Felix cracked a smile at that and turned around to grab a pair of headphones to start recording, hiding the grin that was growing on his face.

—

"Hyung...are you really going to leave again?" Jeongin muttered dejectedly as he peered up at Felix. Jeongin was sprawled out on the couch, head resting on Felix's lap as a movie played in the background.

"Hm? I have to go home to sleep, Innie" Felix replied lightheartedly as he smiled down at him.

"You know what I mean, Lix hyung."

"Mm, don't worry about that now," Felix replied softly as he played with the younger's hair as if to pat his worries away, "I'm right here."

The conversation did not go unnoticed by the other boys, but when they met each other's eyes, it was as if they silently agreed not to speak of it. Jeongin's breathing eventually evened out and Chan chuckled quietly at the sight of the snoring boy.

"Aw, the baby's asleep," Jisung commented animatedly before he was shushed by Hyunjin.

"Keep it down!" Hyunjin mouthed frantically as he looked over at Jeongin to make sure he was still asleep. Thankfully, he was. Jisung barely managed to dodge a bullet with that one. 

Said boy put up his hands in mock defeat and responded with a silent "sorry!" while Hyunjin shot a death glare at Jisung for almost waking up his precious dongsaeng (yes, Hyunjin knew he was biased, and what about it?). If looks could kill, Jisung would be a dead man.

"He must be tired from being so excited all day. He was really looking forward to seeing you again," Chan whispered, just loud enough for Felix to hear.

"He's so cute," Felix mouthed as he smiled fondly at the sleeping boy.

 _I really missed this_ , Felix thought to himself. It was sort of bittersweet.

"Here, I'll carry him on my back so that we can put him to bed," Changbin proposed as he figured that Felix's legs must have fallen asleep.

"Yeah," Felix sighed sadly, "he'll be more comfortable in bed."

He wanted to remain in this peaceful moment forever, but alas, all wonderful things have to come to an end.

Hyunjin helped drape Jeongin over Changbin's back and Felix got up to follow them, albeit shakily as his legs threatened to give out from right under him since he had been sitting in the same position for so long.

He entered the room just as Hyunjin was tucking Jeongin into bed, and after bidding goodnight to Hyunjin, Felix and Changbin left the room together.

"I'm going to head back too, hyung."

"I'll walk you home," Changbin insisted.

"There's no need for you to do that, I'll be fine," Felix declined curtly.

It was like a flip of a switch, Changbin noted, the Australian's tone suddenly turned icy and he was no longer their Felix, his Lix. Physically, Felix was still standing in front of him, but at that moment, it was as if he had already left.

"C'mon Lix, I insist."

"And like I said, that's not necessary,” the younger retorted.

"Why are you being so stubborn?" Changbin asked, more confused than ever by the younger's sudden change in behavior.

"You just don't understand, hyung."

"Then help me understand, Lix, I'm just trying to be there for you."

"Hyung, please—just please stop."

"Felix," Changbin spoke sternly. He forcefully grabbed the younger's wrist and through gritted teeth, he asserted, "if you would just _listen_ to me."

"Hyung, _stop_!" Felix exploded as he yanked his arm away from the elder's vice-like grip, an action which caused Changbin's temper to immediately flare.

"Why can't you see that I'm just trying to help you?!” he exclaimed harshly, “I'm going out of my way to do this for _you_ , for goodness' sake! Wake up already!" 

Changbin regretted his words as soon as he had said them, even more so when he saw the look on Felix's face. He tried to salvage the situation, and despite his feeble attempt to come up with an apology, the words simply wouldn’t come out of his mouth no matter how hard he tried. Nevertheless, it was already too late—the fire had already been ignited and the damage was done. 

"I never asked you to do anything for me," Felix said evenly after a moment of suffocating silence. Although he was stone-faced and blunt with his words, Felix's glassy eyes betrayed his tone.

"Where are you going now?" Changbin asked exasperatedly as the younger started to walk away from him yet again.

This was getting ridiculous, why does he keep running away? What was he running away from and why won't he just talk to him?

"You know what, Changbin _hyung_?" Felix snarled as he turned around to face the elder, eyes glistening with unshed tears, "Screw you. To think that I came back for _you_ of all people? To think that I put off all of my fucking plans just because I didn't want to disappoint you? I could've been happy for months now, but I stopped myself for what? For you to let me down just as everybody else has?"

Changbin had never seen Felix this mad before. Words were flying out of the younger's mouth faster than he could blink, and next thing he knew, Felix was right in front of his face, finger poking the elder's chest as he shook with anger.

"I bore my soul to you. I told you things that I swore I would take with me to my grave. I _stayed_ —" Felix emphasized, voice cracking as he uttered the cursed word, "only because _you_ told me to. I never asked for your help in the first place, Changbin, and I guess I was the foolish one for trusting you. I never wanted your stupid help and I sure as hell don't need your pity, so if that's what you mean by 'helping', then you can fucking keep it."

Changbin just stared at the boy in front of him like a deer caught in headlights. He was paralyzed, firmly rooted to the ground as the younger's words pierced right through him. He couldn't move. He couldn't talk. He could only listen to the words that were breaking his heart.

" _I can't believe that I ever thought that I was in love with you._ "

Felix's voice was barely a ghost of a whisper at this point and Changbin's mind raced to translate the words into Korean. _Love?_

As Felix stormed out, Changbin was left to contemplate the boy's fleeting words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update was a surprise to me as well lol, I usually take about a week to upload a new chapter but the writing bug just latched on to me and next thing I know, I had already written an entire chapter ._. Hope it was fluffy enough for you (LOL). In case anyone wants to stay in the loop with when I plan to upload/my ideas and what not, I have a twitter (@Astral_Lix) dedicated to just that. 
> 
> Sorry if you've subscribed to the story and saw the double upload, I forgot to format something and had to repost it lol.


	5. He's Captivating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A reminder: for the most part, italicized text represents a character's thoughts. When used in dialogue, it means that the character is speaking in English.  
> So...I haven't completely fallen off the face of the Earth so here's a super late update oof.

_Love?_   _In love with you?_

Changbin's brain short-circuited at the younger's confession—was it even a confession in the first place? The words had been uttered so quietly that Changbin couldn't help but wonder if he had imagined the whole thing—but that didn't really matter now, did it? He could always worry about it later. Right now, what he needed to do was to go after Felix. He had to. Losing him wasn't an option; who was to say that Felix wouldn't leave a second time given that he had already done so once before? Changbin didn't think that he could bear the heartbreak this time around.

"Go away," the Australian hissed through gritted teeth once Changbin caught up to him. He'd had enough of the elder's bullshit at this point. Why couldn't he just leave him alone?

"I'm sorry Lix, please hear me out," Changbin pleaded as he sprinted to keep up with the younger's quick strides.

"No," Felix replied irritably, "what's your damn problem?! Haven't you said enough already?"

Changbin's heart ached at the reminder that he, of all people, had hurt his Felix, the same boy whom he had vowed to protect with his entire life. When he moved to put a hand on Felix's shoulder, Felix immediately yanked it away. It hurt him think that he no longer had the younger's trust, but he deserved his resentment, really. He truly did. 

"I won't do anything," he promised, "and I know that my words probably mean nothing to you, but please, just hear me out."

 **_Wrong_** **, Felix thought to himself,** ** _So wrong._**   ** _You couldn't be any more wrong about that._ **

"Please," Changbin pleaded once more, desperation clinging to his every word.

Upon hearing the elder's desperate plea, Felix's heart wavered and he eventually slowed to a stop. This, however, didn't mean that he was any less angry or hurt, so when he turned around to face Changbin, he shot a piercing glare at the shorter boy. Besides his tough demeanor, Felix showed no further sign of resistance, so Changbin took the younger' silence as an affirmative and let out a breath that he didn't know he was holding before he started to talk.

"Felix," he started out shakily, "Lix. I'm sorry for being an asshole. I'm sorry for making you think that I'm trying to help only because I pity you—that's not it at all. I want to help because I care about you. I care about you so much it hurts. These past few months have been hell for me without you, Lix. I've been driving myself insane thinking about all the possible reasons for why you would leave and Sungie didn't even tell us about you going back to Australia until a month after you left."

**_That's because I didn't want you to know. I knew that I'd let you talk me out of it and I wasn't going to let that happen. Not this time. It would've hurt too much to leave if you knew about it._ **

"And I had to practically threaten you for you to even meet up with us, so I'm sorry, alright? It's just been really hard without my best friend and I let my anger get the best of me. I didn't mean to say what I said and I just—I'm sorry. "

"Okay."

Deep down, the freckled boy wanted to say a lot more than a mere 'okay'. His anger had diffused, quickly amounting to nothing as he fought the overwhelming urge to grab the elder's hand so that he could pull him into his arms and thank him endlessly for everything—but he couldn't bring himself to reignite those feelings within him.  _No_ , Felix chastised as his eyelids fluttered closed.  _There was no going back now._

"Okay?" Changbin repeated, perplexed at Felix's lack of response. His confusion must've shown on his face because once Felix opened his eyes to look him in the eye, the freckled boy nodded wordlessly as if to reaffirm his answer.

 _But that doesn't answer any of my questions!_  Changbin wanted to scream.

Changbin was beyond stupefied; when it came to serious problems, it had never required anything more than some gentle coaxing for the younger to start spilling his problems to him and yet, Felix was being as stubborn as ever. The younger had been speaking in ill-defined riddles the whole night and Changbin was starting to get a headache from all the speculating that he was being forced to do as a result of Felix's vague answers to even the simplest of questions.

"God," Changbin breathed out, "we really need to sit down and talk this through."

**_What is there to talk through? There's nothing left to say. Please stop making this harder than it has to be, hyung._ **

Out of frustration, Changbin ran a hand through his hair. It was growing late and regardless of what he said or did, their conversations always seemed to reach a dead end. He wanted to stop with the guessing games and quickly decided that beating around the bush would get him nowhere at this point.  _It's so simple_ , Changbin thought inwardly,  _you just have to tell me what's wrong and we can get through this together. Why_ _is that so hard for you_ _?_

Felix watched as the elder's gaze bore into the night, the latter seemingly lost in thought as he closed his eyes briefly before opening them again. He was almost painfully oblivious to Felix's inner struggle as he got lost in the wide expanse of the night sky. Felix watched as the elder's silver earring glistened under the moonlight and when the boy he loved looked him in the eye, Felix thought he saw a flash of emotion flicker through the elder's brown orbs.

 **_He's so_** ** _captivating_** **, the freckled boy thought to himself. He never wanted to forget his hyung's striking features and his pretty heart. His hyung**   **was beautiful. Captivating** **.**

"Would it be rude of me to invite myself over to your aunt's house without letting her know beforehand?" Changbin asked abruptly.

"She knows me well enough so she'll be fine with me coming over, right?"

After a moment's silence, Felix finally replied.

"I'm not staying with my aunt right now."

"What?!" Changbin then exclaimed, eyes wide open in surprise, "Where are you staying at then?!"

"I rented an apartment," Felix explained tersely.

It was obvious that the elder wanted to ask more questions, but he soon clamped his mouth shut without saying another word.

He was perplexed by Felix's subsequent sigh and what happened next caused his brain to malfunction. After a dramatic huff, Felix had stepped towards him, leaving him breathless as the younger's small hand flitted over his face.

"Stop frowning, hyung. You're going to get premature wrinkles."

Changbin didn't know if he should laugh or cry at the sudden yet sweet gesture. It was just like Felix to be completely oblivious in this way; he may be avoiding his questions and he certainly has built a wall around himself, but his actions still remained so unassuming and pure because that was just who he was. No amount of pain or misery could take away his tender heart and child-like innocence.

If only the voices could stop extinguishing the light in his eyes.

—

Felix stumbled through the dark to reach the light switch. Once the light flickered on, another boy entered the doorway and into the small apartment. Changbin had insisted on following him home and frankly, Felix was too exhausted to refuse.

"This is...nice," the shorter boy concluded after a quick glance around the room. If he were to be honest, there wasn't really much to look at. There was a bed in one corner of the room and a desk adjacent to it. A dark blue suitcase stood alone at the foot of the bed and perhaps the most eye-catching thing was the pile of plushies lined up in a neat line on the floor next to the wall and the unkempt pile of paper sprawled all over the table, completely hiding the wooden surface and filling up the trashcan below it. 

"Sure, thanks," Felix replied half-heartedly, knowing full well that the elder was only saying this out of politeness, chuckling quietly to himself as he thought about how formal his hyung was being. He supposed he had been gone for quite a while and he didn't blame Changbin hyung for feeling awkward around him. 

"Alright, hyung," Felix beckoned as he sat on the bed and patted the spot next to him, "let's just get this over with."

Changbin settled into the spot next to Felix. Both boys sat with their backs to the wall and in this position, Felix was forced to stare at the pile of paper—of letters—which seemed to be mocking him with their very existence. The familiar feeling of scorching guilt bubbled up in his chest—because somewhere between his letter for Chris and another for Innie was one penned out to a certain boy who unknowingly held his heart in possession. He would have that piece of him forever, even if he ceased to be the person he once was.  _Please take care of it_ , a small part of him wanted to say,  _this world has bruised and battered it enough, but you saw value in every unsightly scar and personally stitched up all of its holes and lacerations._

Be it fate or coincidence, or perhaps by sheer luck, Changbin chose that exact moment to encase Felix's small hand with his own, an action which spurred something within the troubled boy. 

"I'm sorry," Felix managed to choke out. 

"What is there to be sorry for?" the elder responded quietly. 

_I'm sorry you wasted your time on me. I‘m sorry that I was never worth it in the first place._

"Hey," Changbin murmured reassuringly as he pulled Felix closer to him, "you're okay. I'm right here."

The raven-haired boy whispered for Felix to lay down and pulled the younger flush against him as if to protect him from the world. Felix's head rested on the elder's chest and Changbin had an arm wrapped securely around Felix's body. His free hand ran through Felix's hair and Felix's anxious heart was lulled by Changbin's steady heartbeat.

"Goodnight, Lix," Changbin remembered saying before passing out.

"Goodnight, hyung," was Felix's response.

The elder's breathing soon evened out, but Felix stayed awake to map out the elder's features, committing every curve and slope to memory.  

"Binnie hyung _,_ " the younger whispered late into the night as he held onto the sleeping boy's shirt like it was his lifeline, " _please be happy._ "

A stray tear trickled down his cheek and Felix burrowed deeper into Changbin's embrace. He silently wished for time to stop so that he could remain the arms of the one he loved, but he knew that he was being foolish—time waits for nobody and morning would surely come regardless of his selfish desires.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do me a favor and yell at me on twitter (@Astral_Lix) if I don't update so that I don't forget to do so ;-;


	6. The Name Engraved Into His Soul

"I will send the e-ticket to your email. Please print it out and bring it with you to the airport. If you do not receive anything within the next five to ten minutes, feel free to give me another call and I'll send it to you again."

"Okay, sounds good."

"Alright then, Mr. Lee. Have a good rest of your day and thank you for choosing KR Travels," the agent responded enthusiastically.

"You as well," Felix said before hanging up.

_One week._

He would give himself exactly one week to say goodbye.

—

**86:49:32**

"You don't think...letters..." Seungmin trailed off, frown lines etched into his forehead.

"What letters?" the elder questioned, confused as ever.

While Felix was in the shower, Changbin had called Seungmin to talk about his conversation with the freckled boy from the previous night, including the details of his living situation and the pile of paper scattered all over his desk. 

"Fucking hell," Seungmin cursed as a realization dawned on him.

"What is it?!"

"Hyung, you're really dense sometimes."

"What do you mean?!" Changbin exclaimed, "Seriously, why is everyone speaking in riddles all the damn time now?"

"Just put two and two together, hyung. We'll talk about this later. Send me the address and I'll be over soon."

"Wait—" Changbin called out just as Seungmin hung up.

—

**86:28:11**

"Minnie?" Felix asked, clearly perplexed. He had never expected Seungmin of all people to show up in front of his apartment at ten in the morning. Given the fact that not even Jisung was informed about his whereabouts, let alone his address, how in the world did Seungmin get here?

Seungmin merely entered without responding to his friend's question and quickly ushered Changbin into the bathroom. 

"Hyung, you go get ready or whatever."

The redhead then wordlessly grabbed his friend's wrist and gently pulled him towards the direction of the bed. Although confused, Felix let himself be guided by him. 

"You're not..." Seungmin began as he visibly gulped, "you're not thinking of leaving us are you?"

_Ah. So that's why he came here._

"Minnie," Felix responded with a sigh, "I need to go back home. There are some things I need to...fix."

_Why does everyone keep asking the same question?_

"Fix what, Lix? Just what needs fixing? And before you say 'nothing', we both know that it's not nothing."

"Felix, please don't leave," Seungmin continued when Felix failed to respond, "We'll miss you too much."

"I have to, Minnie. I have to do this," Felix answered, gaze stubbornly glued to the carpeted floor. 

"Do what?" 

"Just—things."

"What are you so afraid of?" the redhead whispered softly, "Just tell us. We're all here for you. All eight of us would do anything you'd ask of us...but we can't help you if we don't know what the problem is."

"I know," Felix replied on an exhale.  

"But what if my request is for you to do nothing? What if I want to handle this on my own?" Felix continued as he made eye contact with his friend for the first time that morning. 

"That's the one thing that we can't promise you," Seungmin concluded, "Even if you don't think so, even if we're not blood brothers, we're family. Nobody leaves and nobody gets left behind."

—

**72:11:00**

"Hyung. Did you know that my Korean name was Yongbok?"

"Uh-" Changbin sputtered, "no?"

"Well, it is. Lee Yongbok."

"Hm," the elder hummed.

"Lee Yongbok," Changbin then repeated, the name rolling off his tongue effortlessly as he caressed the younger's cheek, "Yongbok. Our Yongbokie."

Hearing his Korean name whispered so endearingly brought a small smile to Felix's face and Changbin mirrored the younger's soft expression, his eyes never once leaving Felix's—Yongbok's—face. His fond smile seemed to thank Felix for sharing that part of himself with him, leaving the younger breathless at the beautiful sight of Changbin smiling. 

Being called by his Korean name meant a lot more to Felix than he let show. Growing up, the freckled boy never came to terms with his Korean side, never once claiming the name 'Yongbok' for himself. How could see himself as such when he was born and raised as an Australian? He was Felix and only Felix for the first 16 years of his life, but all of that changed completely when he'd decided to run away from home and found himself at his aunt's house in Seoul a month before his 17th birthday. Amidst all the chaos and uncertainty, he had never expected to find a family in eight teenage boys who were all so similar yet fundamentally different and yet, he had grown to love each and every one of them—albeit in completely different ways.

Loving Woojin hyung was easy. The eldest was hard to approach at first, but once they had gotten past the phase of awkward introductions, Woojin hyung looked after him like an older brother that he never had. He was warm and cuddly, much like a stuffed bear as one of them once pointed out, and allowed him to be as touchy and clingy as he needed to be. The eldest possessed an innate ability to make others feel completely at ease and comfortable around him and looking after others seemed to be second nature to him. Woojin hyung always asked for his opinion whenever he didn't feel the need to speak up during a conversation and always made sure to include him in everything. This hyung was just too sweet and was always too good to him.   

Then there was Chan hyung, or Chris, as he liked to call him. Above all, loving Chris felt completely familiar. Being around the fellow Australian alleviated any bouts of homesickness he'd have and being in the elder's arms felt like home away from home. Between his  _rubber ducky, you're the one_ and  _yeah mate'_ s, the blondie always brought back a wave of nostalgia during the most random of times and whenever that happened, it felt like he had a piece of home with him. To put it lightly, he was beyond thankful to Chan hyung for practically raising him during his time in Korea. He had gone from barely knowing how to put a simple phrase together to being practically fluent in his native tongue and he owed it all to the Chris' patience and persistence. 

When it came to Minho hyung...he didn't  _love_  Minho hyung in the conventional sense. This hyung was weird and unpredictable; sometimes he was loud and other times quiet, but what never changed was his caring streak and mother hen-like nature. You'd never guess what was on his mind as he was the type to impulsively insult others, but underneath his indifferent demeanor was pure fondness for those he cared about. Despite his sharp tongue, Minho hyung was always the one to distribute all the food, making sure that everyone had their share before worrying about himself. Felix was sure that he wasn't the only one who was drawn to the dancer's strange way of showing affection and his infectious laughter. The elder was beautifully intriguing inside and out. He was sure that Minho hyung didn't know this, but when it came to dancing, his hyung was also his role model—he would have to remember to mention that in his letter for sure. 

Then there was Hyunjinnie who laughed freely and loved to show his affection in the form of hugs and, at times, forced kisses. His fellow dancer could be summed up in one word: passion. Jinnie was so passionate about dance that he seemed to be improving by the second, but Felix knew that the progress didn't come without hard work. More than anyone else, Hyunjin worked relentlessly to the point of recklessness for his dreams. Oh, and Jinnie was also ridiculously weak against cute things, which was one of the reasons why he adored Jeongin, Seungmin and even Changbin hyung to pieces. 

Han Jisung. Sungie. He would forever be grateful that his best friend had overslept on that fateful day and found him practicing inside the dance studio because had his alarm woken him up on time, Felix might've never found his second family. Jisung had done more for him than he could ever thank him for; his same-aged friend had spent countless nights talking him out of doing stupid things and now, Felix could only apologize for being too weak and taking the easy way out. He could already hear Sungie cursing him out as he cried his heart out for somebody who didn't deserve his kindness—that somebody being none other than Felix himself. Jisung was too selfless, too empathetic, too nice for his own good, but that was just who Han Jisung was. 

And now, onto Seungminnie, the youngest of the '00 liners. Minnie was a friend who liked to mess with him, often fooling him in the most subtle of ways. The redhead liked to yell at others, especially Changbin hyung in particular and had a knack for bugging the youngest. Whoever he deemed an easy target often fell victim to his harmless bullying, which was honestly more adorable than it was annoying. Seungminnie was a lot like a hyperactive puppy despite his calm and collected demeanor. 

Felix realized then that loving his same-aged friends was like loving himself; it was undeniably clumsy and took a lot to admit, but it was arguably the purest form of love because they neither looked after him like a hyung would nor did he feel the need to coddle them as he would do to the youngest. His three same-aged friends were simply people who had quietly wormed their way into his heart, gifting him with fond memories of the four of them fooling around, annoying the hell out of the older ones with their loud shenanigans.

Now, how could he possibly forget his favorite dongsaeng, Jeonginnie, the boy with the purest smile and the prettiest heart? Innie was a chorus of  _Lix hyung!_ 's and meaningful silences—here was another person that he'll be endlessly sorry towards. Without a doubt, the most remarkable thing about Innie was his smile. The youngest was always smiling for the sake of others and this quality was one that Felix both admired and resented. He could only hope that the young boy would learn to rely on others whenever necessary. Felix would add that to his letter, but he figured that it would be hypocritical of him to preach what he personally could not do. It's alright though, Felix concluded, with the other boys by his side, there was no doubt that Innie would be fine. He was in good hands—they all were. They had each other and that will always be enough.

And finally...     

Felix knew that he loved a handful of people in this world, but he was only truly  _in love_ with one person and that person happened to be none other than Seo Changbin. His love for his hyung couldn't even be put into words; Changbin hyung was a set of ellipses, a reminder of what was, is and what could've been. He was a thought that Felix never dared to finish, someone who he desperately wanted but could never have. Seo Changbin was the warmth that he desperately craved, happiness in the form of a person that was not his. 

 _Seo Changbin_  was the name that was engraved into his soul. 

Felix had realized long ago that falling in love was a foolish thing to do. This love, however...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Unedited)  
> As always, thank you to those who have taken the time to leave a comment/kudos, especially to those of you who have been here since the very beginning. Thanks for sticking around despite the irregular updates, I appreciate you lots!


	7. Can We Talk?

**48:07:09**

"Chris...?" Felix called out as he peeked his head through the door. 

Both Chan and Jisung turned their heads towards the direction of Felix's voice.  

"Oh, hey! What do you need?" Chan answered as his expression morphed into one of surprise. 

"Can we talk?"

"Of course we can."

"Sungie...can you stay too?"

"Of course. Come here," Jisung beckoned as he motioned for Felix to sit on his lap. Once Felix did just that, Jisung wrapped his arms around his best friend's waist and engulfed his trembling hands with his own. 

"Your hands are ice cold," Jisung muttered, eyebrows furrowing into a frown.

There was no reply. After having mustered up every bit of courage to approach his two friends, Felix couldn't focus on anything apart from his own heartbeat ringing in his ears. 

 _This is it_.  _There was no going back now._

Felix didn't even know what he wanted to talk about, really. There was so much to say and just as much to lose, but all he knew was that he needed to talk to someone right then and there, lest he risked losing the confidence to do so altogether. Chris seemed to be the best person to go to given the ease of communication and his level-headed personality, so Felix had said  _fuck it_  and knocked on the elder's door before he could change his mind. 

 _Inhale, exhale_. 

"I owe you an explanation," Felix said to Chan as he set his gaze on the intertwined fingers laying on his lap. 

"I need you to just let me talk because if I don't tell you this now, I don't think I'll ever do it. About why I left, I...I'm sorry I didn't say anything before leaving. I'm sorry for ignoring all your messages. I was just so scared and everything spiraled out of control so quickly and just, how do I say this...o _h, whatever,_ " Felix said as he gave up on speaking in Korean.  

" _Roughly three years ago, I started getting these neck pains, I guess? It would come and go pretty randomly so I didn't think much about it, but then my back started hurting as well and about maybe half a year ago, I started getting these muscle spasms along with it and that was...bearable for a while until the spasms became more and more frequent. In the end, I managed to figure out that these attacks seemed to be stress-related...which was pretty bad news since I love to stress myself out_ — _unintentionally of course,_ " Felix said, chuckling nervously. He knew he was rambling. 

" _So that's why you left?_ " Chan asked as he remained thoroughly perplexed. 

" _Not...exactly. Yes and no._ "

" _Huh? So is that a yes or no? Either way, I'm not really following you...couldn't you have just seen a doctor here?_ "

" _I did. Sungie went with me to the hospital and they told me that it was just a muscle strain, but it just didn't feel right. It's just_ — _call it an intuition or something, but I knew that there was more to it than just a physical injury, especially with the whole stress thing_."

Felix paused for a moment and sighed. 

" _It's just, it was bad news for me because I don't know how_ not to  _stress._ "

 _"There are so many ways to de-stress, Lix. There's always something like yoga or even meditation and if you had just told us, we could've figured something out to make it easier for you. I'm not saying that it wasn't necessary for you to go back home, but why didn't you just talk to us? We could've helped you too, you know,_ " Chan reasoned. 

" _It's not that simple. It's really not_ ," Felix implored, his tone suspiciously bitter. The ginger felt his friend's arms tighten around him.   

_Why does nobody understand?_

" _I don't really_ — _it's just not that compli_ - _I mean, easy. It's not that easy, god damn it,_ " Felix cursed as he struggled with his words, the frustration growing by the second. It was like having that cursed cough all over again. 

—

 **At first, it was the persistent coughing; what started as a side effect to a common cold quickly spiraled into something else, something that drove him to the edge of insanity. The slurred speech and the accompanying coughs that came with it? It felt like imprisonment. He had never been one for words; unfortunately for him, no matter how hard he tried, no matter how long he spent forming and restructuring a sentence in his head, the words that ultimately leave his mouth would always,** ** _always_  ** **fall short of his original intent. It had taken him his entire life to build up his practically nonexistent self-esteem and now a stupid** **cough of all things** **was diminishing all those years of hard work? Seriously? Why is it that**   **every time** **he tried to talk, a cough would bubble up in his throat and**   ** _refuse_ ****to let him utter a single word without disruption? Every time he tried to say something, he would sound like an unintelligible, stuttering mess—add the slurred speech to his already sub-par Korean and the outcome was almost equally laughable as it was unnervingly frustrating.**

**He was being driven to the brink of insanity.**

**He was finally,** ** _truly_ ****okay** **for the first time in ages and everything was alright until nothing felt right anymore. Just when he felt as though he could finally breathe, he somehow found himself wandering dangerously close to the edge of the shore once more; the cunning waves beckoning him to come closer, closer, even closer. Once he dared to look down, he was already knee-deep in the treacherous water.** **  
**

**It's hard. Thinking was hard, breathing was hard,** **_being,_ ** **existing, it was all so hard. If he had to sum it all up in one word: fluctuations. Everything was always fluctuating by the week, the day, sometimes even by the second.**

 **It was always something, but at the same time, it wasn't anything significant. It was the little things that changed everything, a culmination of all the**   ** _is,_**   ** _are_** **,** ** _am_** **, and** ** _will be'_ ** **s. Even the word itself—there goes the cursed word again—was driving him insane. It was, it is, it will.** ** _It, it, it._ **

**It's tiring.**

—

" _I know that I've never really mentioned it, but Chris,_ _I've been depressed for years now. It's in my nature to stress over the littlest of things. It's not like I have any control over it, alright? It's not up to me to decide._ "

" _O-oh,_ " Chan stuttered.

" _Yeah._ _It's okay though, you didn't know._ "

" _I'm sorry. I really am._ " 

" _Now you're just being silly_ ," Felix said with a wide, yet forlorn smile on his face, " _What is there to be sorry for? You couldn't have known._ "

" _Yeah, but I still should've noticed. And I'm sorry for being insensitive._ "

Another broken smile graced the freckled boy's face. He wanted to comfort his friend, but at the same time, he felt strangely conflicted. Was it other people's fault for not noticing, or was it his fault for not speaking up? 

It didn't really matter now, did it?

" _Thanks, I guess. I should be the one apologizing though because actually...there's a reason why I came back._ "

"Sungie-ah, I'm sorry to you too. I lied. I came back because I wanted to say goodbye. I'm actually leaving in two days and...I'm not coming back," he finally admitted as a lump formed in his throat. 

"WHAT? WHY?" 

" _You're joking, right? Please tell me you're joking_."

"I'm sorry," Felix whispered, eyes downcast as he tried to blink away the tears that were threatening to form. 

"You don't mean that. Tell me that you don't mean that," Jisung begged as he grabbed Felix's arms and turned the ginger around to face him. Felix pursed his lips, unable to reply.  

"What's wrong? I heard yelling," Changbin spoke up hesitantly from the doorway, causing the three of them to snap their heads toward the sound. 

Having returned from his trip to the bathroom long ago, Changbin had been awkwardly standing outside the door for the past five minutes. It was abundantly clear that his friends were talking about something serious judging by their hushed voices and although he tried to give the three the privacy they needed, he couldn't help but rush in when he heard the screams.

Felix, on the other hand, felt his heart drop at the sound of the elder's voice. 

To put it simply, Felix was scared of _him_ , of Changbin. His somewhat irrational fear of the elder, although unjustified and inexplicable to others, made perfect sense to him. Felix wasn't scared  _of_ Changbin necessarily, he was just scared to face him in more ways than one. Being around the elder made him feel too many conflicting things and it didn't help thathe was the secret that Felix had harbored for as long as he could remember. To him, he had already made the fatal mistake of falling in love and it made perfect sense for him to be afraid of someone who had the ability to hurt him in a way that no one else could. 

With every step that the elder took which brought him closer and closer to him...Felix felt as though the room was closing in on him and breathing became nearly impossible.

"Stop, please. Please don't come any closer," he pleaded. As the disheartened plea tumbled from Felix's lips, the distressed boy clung onto Jisung with trembling hands.

"But..." Changbin faltered, "hyung, what's going on?"

" _No!_ "

_No, no, no, no. He couldn't find out. Please. Just not him._

" _He deserves to know._ "

" _No! Please don't tell him._   _Please, Chris,_ " he cried out. 

"Hey, hey. Lix, breathe for me please," Jisung said soothingly as Felix thrashed violently in his arms. Once he saw the manic look in Felix's fear-ridden eyes, there was no doubt in his mind that his friend would fall victim to another anxiety attack. 

Felix immediately cowered away from Jisung's touch and scrambled onto the floor, curling into himself as he grabbed at the roots of his hair. He needed to hold onto something, anything. Incoherent words tumbled out of his mouth one after another and his lungs burned. He knew that he needed to breathe, that he  _needed_  to calm himself before the strong emotions triggered another spasm—he tried to take in deep breaths, but nothing was working. 

"Lix, I need you to let go of your hair. You're going to hurt yourself," Jisung said as he rubbed circles onto Felix's back.

" _Fuck_ ," Felix rasped as a particularly violent shudder tore through him. 

_Of course. Just my luck._

" _Chris. I need you to li-listen carefully. I'm going to start shaking and I'm not going to be able to move. I need painkillers and I need you not to m-move me or do anything until_ — _fuck._ "

"What's wrong? What's happening?" Changbin asked frantically as Jisung ran out the door to grab the painkillers. He crouched on the floor next to Felix, who shakily got onto his knees and grabbed onto the elder's shirt for support. Changbin held onto the younger's arms with barely any pressure in fear of hurting him. 

"Bin, don't move. Just stay as still as you can or else you're going to hurt him," Chan instructed from beside him. 

"What the fuck?" Changbin exclaimed incredulously as adrenaline coursed through his veins. 

"It hurts," Felix whimpered as he formed a death grip on Changbin's shirt.   

Changbin and Chan could only watch uselessly as their friend remained locked in place with tears streaming down his face. Changbin wiped his tears away with his free hand and Chan whispered quiet reassurances in hopes of making it slightly easier on the younger.

Nothing was helping. Loud sobs were ripped out of Felix's mouth as his back spasmed and shudder after shudder tore through him. It was the kind of pain that was impossible to ignore and seemed to drag out for ages; he could only try to remain as still as possible and pray for the agony to end. 

When it no longer hurt to breathe, Felix knew that the worst of it was finally over.

"Can I have the painkillers please?" the ginger rasped as the tremors faded into small shivers. 

Jisung put the pill in the palm of his hand and Felix braced himself as he got ready to move his arm towards his mouth. Changbin immediately hovered his arms over him when Felix visibly winced in pain as he took his pill. He could only sigh once he lowered his arm.  

" _Mate, are you going to tell us what just happened?_ " 

" _Tomorrow_ ," he promised tiredly, eyes droopy and devoid of any inkling of light.

" _it's going to be a long night_."

Chan nodded and the three of them helped Felix off the floor. Every movement brought on an onslaught of excruciating pain which failed to subside even when he laid down. Much to the horror of his friends, even the pressure of his back against the mattress was painful enough to bring on a litany of curses.

"Is it always this bad?" Chan asked in concern. 

"I don't get these spasms very often, but when I do, yeah, it's always like this."

"Hyung, let him sleep. He's clearly exhausted," Changbin said gruffly. 

Felix would tell him that it's okay, but his eyes were already halfway closed. Nonetheless, he had to come clean. He'd been lying to everybody for far too long already. 

"Hyung...can you guys leave the room for a minute? I need to talk to Sungie."

Although Changbin was reluctant to leave, Chan shook his head and led the younger out of the room. Once they were alone, Felix got straight to the point.

"Sungie," Felix exhaled,  "I'm so tired."

"Then sleep. Sleep and I'll be right here next to you," Jisung said as he stroked his best friend's hair.

"What would you do if I went to sleep and never woke up?" Felix asked tiredly, eyes barely open at this point.

"What do you mean?" Jisung questioned, voice faltering at the unexpected question. His throat seemed to constrict once he caught onto what Felix was instigating.

"You don't need me, Sungie."

"Of course I need you. Why wouldn't I?" 

"I don't think I can do this anymore," Felix continued. Exhaustion settled heavily into his body as he tried to ignore the searing pain in his back. 

"No," Jisung frantically protested, "please don't say that. I need you—we all need you,"

"Life will go on with or without me. Time heals all, Sungie. You'll be okay."

"How could I be okay without my best friend?" Jisung whimpered as his tears started to flow freely. 

"You'll be okay. You'll have the boys with you."

"But they're not you, Lix. They're not you."

"Mm," was Felix's only response before he succumbed to darkness and fell into a dreamless slumber.

Jisung stumbled out of the room and into the arms of his two friends. One look at their troubled expressions was enough to know that they had overheard the conversation. 

"What do we do now?" Jisung asked as he sobbed into Chan's arms. 

"I don't know, Jisung. I really don't know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really not that happy with this chapter but I went ahead and uploaded it anyway since it's been sitting in my drafts for ages now. Although this story is still far from over, I think I might take a break from it and start anew with another story because the pace is kind of driving me insane atm.  
> In other news, 'One More Light' hit 201 kudos last night! As always, thank you so much to everyone who has given this series a chance. I truly appreciate each and every one of you <3 
> 
> Twt: @Astral_Lix


	8. Give Me a Chance to Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix finds Changbin at the edge of his bed—he was in Changbin's bed actually—the morning after he finally revealed the truth to his friends.

* * *

 Let’s be wildflowers,

Let our souls be scattered by the wind.

Let us grow, wild and free,

Tall and brave,

In the places that we dream,

In the places where our longings are filled.

Let us grow between the cracks

Of brokenness,

And we will make everything beautiful.

_—Unknown_

* * *

  **20:19:03**

"Hyung?" Felix slurred as his eyes fluttered open.

Changbin sat at the edge of the bed, fingers carding through the ginger's soft locks. So that's what woke him up. 

"Hey," Changbin greeted softly, "how are you feeling?"

"I've been through worse," the younger responded as he shrugged on impulse.

Wincing, Felix cursed himself for not thinking before moving.

"Are you alright? What hurts? Why'd you move if it was going to hurt you?!" Changbin scolded, hands immediately hovering over the freckled boy as a prickle of fear shot through him, the image of the younger's suffering still fresh in his mind.   
  
Although unaware of the full extent to his hyung's predicament, Felix chuckled at the elder's frantic tone and encased Changbin's hand with his own.

"I'm fine," Felix reassured him, "calm down, hyung". 

"Well maybe if you took care of yourself better I wouldn't have to worry so much," Changbin grumbled lowly.  

"I take care of myself!"

"Really Lix? Do you really?" 

The elder cast a sharp look at the freckled boy, causing him to divert his gaze from the dark irises piercing right through him. Felix felt vulnerable, exposed and transparent under the elder's scrutinizing gaze.

But Changbin wasn't judging nor scrutinizing him. He harbored a little disappointment, yes, but this was Felix's well being they were talking about. This was the innocent soul whom he had slowly but surely grew fond of, a presence that was surprisingly quiet by nature, one that shied away from attention and never demanded to be seen nor heard. 

Changbin didn't see any of it as a fault. Just because a star was hidden from plain view doesn't mean that its light was any less bright. Felix was like a star concealed by a cloudy sky, ever so present but just that much harder to find. Once the fog lifts and you notice him, however,—once you're able to see him in all his glory—it was impossible to look away. His light...he shined silently, but he was beautiful. 

"I've tried," Felix muttered dejectedly. 

"Hey," Changbin whispered softly, tightening his grip on the younger's hand when the latter tried to undo their intertwined fingers. Changbin felt Felix withdrawing from him both mentally and physically and he'd be damned if he were to let it happen without putting up a fight. 

"You're looking sad again. Why are you sad?" Changbin prompted, to which Felix answered by shaking his head. It was a simple question that brought on too many conflicting emotions within him, a question that simply asked for too much. 

"I'm not sad," Felix began. 

"But you are. You've been looking sad since you returned to us..."

 _Was he sad?_  Felix wondered. He didn't think he was. He felt conflicted and utterly and helplessly hopeless, but he didn't think that he was sad. 

"You were sad back then too, but we worked through it together, remember? You told me what you were feeling then and I thought you were okay until...until you left. What went wrong, Lix? Won't you tell me?"

His hyung's eyes pleaded with him, their interlocked hands keeping him grounded, keeping him alive and in the present. 

"It's different this time, hyung. I'm not just numb anymore..."

Changbin watched as the light in his eyes faded away into obscurity. Felix offered nothing else as he got lost in his mind, the all-too-familiar maze materializing into existence in the depths of his mind, trapping him once more. There was no way out. He had given up all hope. 

"Lix? What's wrong? Please talk to me."

The blank look on Felix's face reminded him of when he found Felix sitting alone on that park bench last winter covered in snow, cold and unmoving. A sense of urgency and restlessness plagued him as he remembered the things that he had wished to forget. 

Like when he had found out that Felix hurt himself intentionally. 

That Felix, his Lix, wanted and wished to die. 

He remembered.

Changbin remembered it all too perfectly and a silent sob racked his body. 

Felix snapped back into reality at the sight of Changbin crying. He could never stomach another person's pain and suffering. 

"I'm sorry. Don't cry, hyungie."

"I really don't have any more tears to shed," the younger muttered solemnly under his breath.

"What's...wrong exactly?" Changbin asked between hiccups and salty tears, "What's making you feel like this? Talk to me, angel. I just want to understand."

Felix hesitated but then relented. What else was there to lose?

"Hyung, have you ever felt...empty? As if you were just existing? As if there was a disconnect between your mind and body? It feels like I'm not here anymore. Like my conscience is elsewhere." 

The detached tone in which Felix spoke with scared him. 

"Sometimes I wished that time would stop so that I can just lie down on this Earth and stare into the sky where an infinite amount of stars lie. A tranquil, still Earth with nothing except for the air, with no noise and no people, so that I could just feel the Earth and nothing else. I can’t help but wonder how much easier it would be once I close my eyes and never open them again."

It broke Changbin's heart to see him like this.

There Felix was on his bed, upper body propped against the headboard, eyes staring into space but at nothing in particular. He was speaking as if he was already gone and Changbin wondered if this was the heartbreak that people spoke of in books and movies. He had felt his heart physically contract and it  _hurt_. Changbin had to fight the urge to claw at his heart _—_ was this what heartbreak feels like?

"But Lix..."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize. Just—stay. I'll help you," Changbin struggled to find words of comfort. 

Maybe the elder didn't love him in the way he'd wished he did, but there was no denying that he cared about him. He had worried about him and thought about his wellbeing. He shouldn't be asking for anything more. The elder's affection was more than enough, but Felix was selfish. He wanted to be happy, he wanted to ask for permission to be freed from this body that was keeping him imprisoned on this Earth. 

"If you care about me, please let me go," Felix begged, desperation clinging to his every word.

"I almost lost you once. I can't lose you again." Changbin's voice wavered as various emotions attacked him all at once. Fear as heavy as lead filled his veins and outweighed every rational thought in his mind. 

"This body doesn't feel like mine anymore. Please,  _please_  don't make me choose between you and my own happiness."

"But what if I can make you happy? I promise to put a smile on your face every day if you'll let me."

Felix's expression twisted into one which was forlorn, a grimace making its way onto his face. 

_Why aren't you smiling? Shouldn't you be smiling?_

"Pretty words mean nothing to me, hyung."

"I mean it, Lix. I would do anything for you."

_Please believe me._

"I'm not doubting your words, hyung, but...if I wasn't like this right now, I don't think you'd be saying these words to me. You shouldn't have to do this out of pity. It's alright."

"It's not alright!" Changbin exploded, imploding with rage. 

_How could any of this be alright? You're trying to leave me. If I can't stop you, then you're to disappear, god damn it. A world without you..._

"Hyung...I loved you. For what it's worth, I think I really loved you, Seo Changbin.  _This_ ," Felix clawed at his heart, "I can't feel this anymore. But while it was still there...it was beating for you."

Felix saw the heartbreak and desperation in Changbin's eyes, but he'd had enough of everything. He was tired of all this pain and this cruel world. 

"How could you leave me then?" the elder lamented as tears trailed furiously down his cheeks. 

"I'm sorry."

Felix refused to meet his eyes and Changbin's heart broke once more. They sat in silence until the tears on his face dried, until the pitter-patter of the rain hitting the pavement replaced the deafening silence. 

"Don't you feel like the sky is crying for us, angel?" Changbin finally said. 

"Don't call me that," Felix said immediately, "Stop calling me that. I am the furthest thing from an angel."

"But you are. You're so gentle, so kind and innocent despite everything life has thrown at you. You always hide your struggles because you don't want to worry anybody and just— _beautiful_ —you're such a beautiful person. An angel."

"As if," Felix said bitterly, "how can someone as fucked up as me be an angel?" 

"Look at me," Changbin beckoned, one hand reaching up to caress Felix's cheek, the other following in the same manner until he held a galaxy in his hands.

"You're human. You may be fucked up, but we all are in different ways. We're not meant to be perfect, but what matters is that you're trying. Please don't give up, Lix-ah." 

"You said it yourself, I'm human. I told you I wasn't an angel," Felix muttered begrudgingly.

A strangled groan left Changbin's lips. 

"I can't believe that that's all you got out of what I said. Fine, you're not an angel. If anything, you're a god damn star." 

He pointedly ignored Felix's snort. 

"I'm serious. Listen, angel."—" _I'm not an angel!_ "—"I don't care about your shortcomings. I don't care if you think you're fucked up or if you've already fucked up."

"You're what anyone would want in a person. You shine silently and have a light that no one can ignore," the raven-haired boy revealed truthfully, his voice clear and unwavering as if no truer words had ever left his lips. 

"You're  _you_ , Lee Felix. You're you and that will always be more than enough."

Felix put a hand gingerly on top of his own. Changbin didn't miss the younger's glassy eyes nor his small sniffles. 

"Stop trying to make me cry."

"I'm not trying to make you cry."

"You're doing it anyway."

"Didn't mean to," Changbin said as he grinned widely, one corner of his lips lifting up endearingly. Felix loved that smirk. 

 _I'm going to miss this. I'm going to miss him,_  he finally admitted to himself.

The mere thought of it wiped away any trace of happiness he'd procured just moments ago. 

"You're sad again," Changbin observed with a tilt of his head, "don't be sad."

He stroked Felix's cheek and brought his lips to the younger's face, leaving a small kiss against his forehead. Changbin's stomach did a funny flip when he pulled away and saw a spark ignite within Felix's eyes, a faint trace of a blush gracing the younger's pretty cheeks. 

 _'Can you feel my love?'_ were the words that flitted through his mind but were ultimately left unsaid. 

Felix could feel the warmth of his hyung's hand against his cheeks and the kiss that he had left on his forehead still lingered, every place in which he'd touched tingling with sensation. 

"You not making this easy for me, are you?" Felix sighed. 

"Never. If making things hard for you means that I'll get to keep you, I'd be stupid to not do so. I want you here, Lix. Stay with me."

_Give me a chance to love you._

 


	9. Not a chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this is part of the story, it can be ignored.

Writing has always been a coping mechanism and I’m struggling. So much. It’s been so fucking hard. I’m posting this for myself. I need to get these words out.

It’s been so long since my tears have flowed like this  
So long since I’ve cried for all that I’ve lost  
‘Just one more day’, I told myself  
But why?  
My suffering,  
Prolonged for what reason?

Their faces  
Their hurt  
They are reason enough for me to grit my teeth and banish the thought away

Even if I’m forced to cry out in agony  
I try and stop  
For them  
Only for them

But I’m afraid that I’m growing weary  
My mind is in shambles  
Weak from all those years of fighting and crying and resisting  
And running  
Always running  
Away from the clutches of depression  
From crippling anxiety  
Pain and suffering

Whispered promises of freedom  
Happiness in the form of letting go  
Collected tablets,  
Sharp edges,  
Tormenting thoughts

They haunt me by day and by night  
Beckoning  
Sly and ridiculously cunning  
So evil  
And yet, so promising

Maybe it wasn’t meant to be  
Maybe I wasn’t destined for greatness on this earth  
My happiness  
My sanity  
Maybe they just weren’t meant to be

When the tears dry and the cries subdue  
I’m forced to choose once more  
Can I hold on for one more day?  
Just one more?

My mind screams ‘no!’  
But I force my body to say yes  
So I don’t reach out  
And the suffering continues

Angered, but alive  
Alive, but not freed  
If I can’t be freed  
If I can’t be happy  
Then...  
Aren’t I as good as dead?


End file.
